One lovely day in the middle of summer, Sid awoke and shouted out loud ‘yippee it’s my birthday, I’m gonna have such a magical day. There’s gonna be lots of balloons, party poppers, tons of food and drink and I’m gonna invite all my bests friends over to join in the fun’ he chuckled to himself as he lay in his bed made of straw. Sid got up had a quick shower and a shave and got on the phone to his mates. He had written a list of who to call while eating his breakfast. There’s Joanna, Liam, Annie and Joe from over Truro way. The guys in the band, the crazy gang from down the market and of course no party would be complete without those crazy bikers from Carharrack, Hell Mary and Jockstrap Jim.

After an hour on the phone Sid had finally spoke to all his friends and had arranged everything for later on that day. ‘We’ll have a BBQ’ said Sid aloud, ‘ha ha, that’ll really hit the spot. Just need to get some food and drink in.

Sid jumped on his newly aquired Harley, which now been decked out with lovely new set of leather saddle bags, you know the ones with all the silver studs on. Very soon he was cruisin down to Tescos to get the grub in for the party. The bike sounded mean and Sid looked well cool with his torn leather jacket and his seagull insignia sprawled across his back. I could just make out what it said as he screeched of down the road. One life, One road, ride it fast and never look back! What a dude.

Sid arrived at Tescos and took off his shades, a loud whistle came from way up on the roof, it was his old pal stinky from the dump. Stinky was a good friend of Sid’s from the old days before Sid moved to live on a lighthouse. They used to forage of the scraps that were being turned over by the diggers up the dump.

‘Hi ya stinky old man’ said Sid holding his nose from the whiff of old stinky. He did smell like a bin liner full of dead fish. ‘What you up to?’ enquired Stinky. ‘It’s me birthday Sid and I’m having a bit of a do’ Sid replied, ‘your welcome to come over to the lighthouse and join in if you can get over later.’

‘I’ll be there’ Stinky replied and I’ll brush my hair as well. ‘Oh no’ Sid thought to himself ‘ I’ll have to get the air fresheners out’.

Anyway Sid got his shopping loaded into the saddle bags and off he trundled home. That night all Sid’s friends came round including old Stinky, who true to his word and had brushed his hair, although it didn’t help very much with the fishy smell. The BBQ was cooking away, the drinks were flowing and everyone was partying down big time. All was going really well until Hell Mary decided to challenge Stinky to a limbo dancing competition. Stinky didn’t stand a chance as Hell Mary was well known for here nimble dancing skills. While all this was going down, Jockstrap Jim was laying on the balcony, out of his head from sniffing blackcurrant lockets. I tried it once, but it brought tears to my eyes for days.

Joanna and Liam were hanging upside down from the chandalier singing songs from Mary Poppins in a cockney accent. Joe and Annie were skinny dipping in the sea under the bright blue moon. It was a great party until Jockstrap Jim suggested giving Sid the bumps. Nobody really had a clue how old Sid was, so they guessed and gave him fifty of the best. It all started ok, Joanna and Liam had one leg, Annie and Joe had the other. The wings were in the capable hands of Stinky and Jockstrap Jim. They reached 25 bumps, but then strange little noises began to come from Sid’s bottom. First of all it was a little squeak, then a rumble and a parp. They reached 40 bumps, by this time everyone reallised that this was going to be so straight forward. Sid’s was pleading no more but the gang wouldn’t let up. The reached 48, 49 and then…. 50. Just as they did the last toss into the air Sid couldn’t hold back any longer, he had held his bottocks together with all his might, but it was too much. The air was filled with the smelliest, fartiest smell that ever left a bottom. Even worse than old Stinky himself, it was so strong that anyone withing ten feet was completely overwhelmed by the odour, and sent them all crashing to the floor gasping for air. Sid landed on his bottom and did one last parp! ‘Oh no I’d better go to the little boys room, I’ve done a whoopsy’ Said Sid as he ran of into the night clutching his underpants.

The End