One day, I think it was a Sunday, Sid was resting on the deck chair, sunning himself while doing the times 2 crossword. He wasn’t bright enough to do the cryptic, he couldn’t even understand the clues. Anyway he turned his attention to the extra supliment that was included on a Sunday and looked inside. As he feathered through the pages he saw a double page spread featuring a story about bikers. ‘Ohh yesss!’ cried Sid out loud “I can just see myself as a hairy biker, have to grow some though’ he thought to himself as he picked his nose. I should fit in nicely, a dirty old messer like me.

Sid quickly jumped out of the deck chair and looked towards the mainland to check out the wind direction. He was a bit of a lazy old bugger and if the wind was blowing in the wrong direction he wouldn’t bother. What I need is some gear and a motorbike. Oh yeh, I can just see myself now cruising with the boys and picking up scraps as we pull into smokey Joe’s cafe for a bite to eat and a cuppa splosh.

The wind was perfect and Sid jumped of the edge of the lighthouse, glided for as long as he dare and then began to flap his wings, which lifted him gracefully into the air, narrowly missing a basking shark that was feeding on the service of the water. ‘Morning Sid’ said the shark with a big yawn, ‘you look in a hurry’. ‘Oh yes’ replied Sid, ‘I’m gonna join the hells angels, ha ha’….

Sid arrived at the mainland and set himself dow with a little bump and a skid, it was a bit muddy today or he had landed on something unpleasant and there was a funny smell in the air.

‘Where’s the best place to go and what kind of bike am I after’ Sid thought to himself. ‘ I know just the place and I think I’d like to try one of those Harley Fat Boys. ‘I’ll look really mean on that’.

A quick hop skip and a flap and Sid was outside the Harley shop, there was lots of bikers milling around trying out the various bikes. Sid looked over to the corner and there it was, the biggest, fattest, meanest piece of chrome on two wheels you ever did see. ‘Ohhhhhhhhh’ looky here’, said Sid, as his bottom quivered and gave out a little parp! Let me get my hands on this baby and give it some welly. Within five minutes Sid had the beast between his legs and was now cruising down the A30. You’ll never see a seagull with a bigger smile on it’s face, Sid was beaming from ear to ear as he sped down the outside lane, sticking fingers up to people in their open top cars. He did think to himself that if he was flying over them now, he would quickly drop a little white bombshell on them for a laugh, ha ha, but back to the bike in hand.

Sid decided to call in and see the notorious, wicked and mean hairy biker ‘Greasy Jim’ who was the head honcho of the Hells Angels in Cornwall, known as the ‘Hells Bells’. As he pulled up outside Greasy Jim’s shack on the outside of town, he could see Jim polishing his shiny nuts. ‘Wots happening man’ Sid shouted over the burbling of his harley as he turned it off. The engine quietened down and there was an moments silence as Greasy Jim slowly walked over to inspect Sid’s new Harley. ‘Cool man’ said Greasy Jim ‘nice wheels dude, you should join me and the boys’.

Sid and Greasy Jim went inside the shack to meet the gang. There was lots of tea flowing and the Hells Angels favourite biscuits were being passed around, you know the ones, those pink wafers with the creamy layers inside. After lots of slapping on the back and telling of dirty jokes, Greasy Jim turned to Sid and said ‘you’ll have to pass a test to join the boys. ‘Whooops’ thought Sid ‘what kind of test’ asked Sid in a wobbly voice. ‘Nothing to worry about’ said Greasy Jim ‘just a nice hot curry to eat, that’s all’.

The test was for Sid to eat the hottest curry know to man. The recipe came from Greasy Jim’s long time partner in crime, Dirty Mary, and was know to kill or mame people if they didn’t have what it takes to stomach a hot curry. Lucky for Sid he was quite experienced in the art of currying, after many years of eating week old left overs from the back of the Ganges takeaway.

Dirty Mary got the curry on the boil and very soon Sid was sitting at the table with the deadly concoction in front of him. Through the steam, amongst the bubbles Sid could see all kinds of nasty things lurking in the fluorescent stodge. He closed his eyes and ate it all up. At first steam began to shoot out of his ears then his eyes rolled completely round to the back of their sockets. Then unfortunately worst of all his tummy began to grow, and grow and grow, until Sid did the most enormous fart. The trouble was that Sid had his leathers on and the fart couldn’t escape so it simply whirled around in his trousers scorching his bits. Another fart, then another followed, they kept coming, parp, parp, parp!!. After a while the whole room erupted with laughter and congratulated Sid on becoming the latest member of the Hells Angels. Sid was well pleased with himself and left for home backfiring all the way into the sunset.

The End